The OSCARS are unavailable...

Feeling pretty jazzed about my directorial debut - which is finally coming to full edited completion (or coming close to... okay CLOSER to full completion...there) - I attempted to log onto the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences website tonight to figure out how to submit the 22 minute short film, MOON LAKE CASINO, for this years Academy Award consideration.

Simple right?  Similar to "Hey, I wanna cast Ryan Reynolds as the lead in my next movie, I'm gonna give him a call."  I have met him once, at a party. And by met I mean I was tray passing drinks and he was politely refusing them.

But... we've "met" and this, for better or worse, is how my brain thinks. I'll just call him. Or his agent. I know someone who knows him...it's just a matter of time and a phone call.

So I'll get him on the phone. Or a meeting with him. And I say, I want to attach you to this movie - it has no funding yet - but it will -  its a brilliant script. You die. So beautiful. Anyway - back to the OSCARS.

My pitch for the Academy Award nom is not a far-flung one. In the short film format they look for long-format, cinematic, pieces that tell a story as opposed to those that capture a moment in time. Or so I've read. Moon Lake does just that - tells a story about what happens to people in a story after their story ends. Now that - that is a brilliant script - written by Charles E Drew, Jr. - I am blessed to have directed that script.

And back to the OSCARS - so I try to log onto ampas.com - but I get a Google Desktop warning that if I open the page my computer is in grave danger. Not one to pay too much attention to obvious signs, I tried ampas.org. The website is unavailable. Try again. I must have typed something wrong. NOPE - clearly written in the address bar is http://www.oscars.org/  - SORRY WE ARE UNABLE TO CONNECT TO THE SITE. Which begs the question - is an OSCAR unvailable to me? And if so, is it for this film, or just this years OSCARS?

And if (and - SIDEBAR - this is where my brain goes - can anyone relate?) if the OSCAR is unavailable, are all festival awards also unavailable. And if that's the case. Are the agents and managers and producers and studios and distributors of this and all future Jason Kennedy films simply that - NOT ABLE TO CONNECT? Should I change careers? Throw all of the past 8 years of mostly hard work sprinkled with occasional lazy periods out the window?

Oh man it's hot in here. I can't breathe, I'm getting sick. I'm going to die we're all going to die. Okay. I didn't go quite that far. As a matter of fact, I only went down the slippery slope for about 5 minutes. Then laughed it off and returned to my task at hand.

Writing.

Combined with buying new music on iTunes (STARS -"Your Ex-Lover is Dead" - BEAUTIFUL). And checking facebook. And working on 24 Hour Rush. And replying to emails. And reviewing movies with a friend (Precious to be exact - AMAZING - but that's a whole other Oprah). Then reviewing headshots with a friend. And obsessing about my headshots. And what photographer to use. And the lines that have suddenly grown from my eyes horizontally back towards my hairline. Will those show up on camera? And back down the slippery slope.

But back up the hill again. And back to work. And streamlined. Just writing. And listening to music. Now THATS a safe combo for me. Finally.

I guess what I'm remembering tonight are two things:
First - my favorite saying - egomaniac with an inferiority complex. I and others have used that phrase as a description for me in the past, and I laugh thinking back on it now.

And second - and the REAL lesson - is this: a bump in the road is just a temporary hurdle to overcome, and not a wall that needs to be torn down. I'll obviously get back into submitting to http://www.ampas.org/; and the festivals; and finish the next script; and hopefully sell the last. Or not. I'll book that commercial and get that call back. Or not. And it's all okay. Because I know at some point - somewhere down the slope or road, these things and those beyond my sights right now - will materialize. And I'm going to just (TRY TO) enjoy the ride for the time being.

moving in the WRITE DIRECTION

Okay. I'm sure these puns about writing and directing will expire from my mind soon. At least I hope so. As do the three to four people reading this I'm sure .

But yesterday, after about a month of akward anticipation - I did indeed take a step in the right direction, and informed my boss that I would no longer be able to work for him and we needed to find a replacement for me. I'd been dreading this moment for weeks - I know how pivotal I am and how much he needs me and respects me and fears how his business might not work out without me there. I do, after all, work there almost 15 whole hours a week.

So, at the end of the what I convinced myself would be the day, and after three failed attempts (and a break for an audtion, a catering gig and a meeting) - I finally had the time and gumption to break the news to him. I was waiting with tissues. Seriously.

His response: OK.

Crickets.

My head: What? Ok? That's it? No, please don't go? No, what am I going to do without you? NOPE - OK.

My voice: Huh. Well okay. I've put an ad together.

His response: Great. Good luck. Lots of crazies on Craigslist.

My head: Yea. Guess I'll handle them.  Just let me find my ego first - I think I dropped it down my throat.

So I moved on.

When I left work (to go back to one more catering gig that day) I felt a millon bricks lifted off of my back. But it wasnt the realization that I just got rid of some "day-job" that was inhibiting my creativity. Quite the contrary - it was a pleasant environment with talented and interesting and good looking people who respected and venerated each other. I grew extremely close with the owner of the company and was able to be there for him over a somewhat challenging year and a half - and learned a copious amount about landscape architecture and design. It was great.

The ton of bricks lifted off of me was one that was actually placed there by me over 15 years of working and removed in a simple sentence, two letters, one word - "OK".

See, I am the only one who creates the need for me to be places that are not directly related to my success. It was this realization on the 20 second walk through a gorgeous tree lined courtyard back to my car - one I've been made aware of a million times before but that I actually internalized and owned in that very moment - I am the center of all of my problems. Not my job or my house or my car or my friends or my family or the way I was brought up or the way I haven't grown up or the agent or the manager or the (countless) jobs I've been turned down for - me. I feel like I just figured out nuclear physics.

And the past 36 hours have been incredibly productive and enlightening.

I contacted a friend who is extremely successful in an area I need some help in - he's agreed to take a look at what I'm doing and help get my film moving in the right direction.

I've sent my latest script out to a prospective producer and put it online for all Entertainment Execs in LA to see.

The 24-hour play is gaining ground and I am doing something every day.

I did the legwork for the Tokyo Short Film Festival to get MLC submitted in time in the correct film format.

I got the paperwork together to call the IRS about last years tax debacle. I put it away quickly but soon enough - that will be dealt with

I even made (with the help of Joans on 3rd), an amazing dinner in a house that I cleaned for my boyfriend last night.

The results for all above are more than prodigious.

I think in this move towards doing what I love and making a living doing it - I'm learning the difference between selflessness and selfishness - and learning there is a great deal of beauty in that gap.

So, in taking another step in the WRITE DIRECTION, I return tonight to the blogoshpere.  Looking forward to tomorrow...