moving in the WRITE DIRECTION

Okay. I'm sure these puns about writing and directing will expire from my mind soon. At least I hope so. As do the three to four people reading this I'm sure .

But yesterday, after about a month of akward anticipation - I did indeed take a step in the right direction, and informed my boss that I would no longer be able to work for him and we needed to find a replacement for me. I'd been dreading this moment for weeks - I know how pivotal I am and how much he needs me and respects me and fears how his business might not work out without me there. I do, after all, work there almost 15 whole hours a week.

So, at the end of the what I convinced myself would be the day, and after three failed attempts (and a break for an audtion, a catering gig and a meeting) - I finally had the time and gumption to break the news to him. I was waiting with tissues. Seriously.

His response: OK.

Crickets.

My head: What? Ok? That's it? No, please don't go? No, what am I going to do without you? NOPE - OK.

My voice: Huh. Well okay. I've put an ad together.

His response: Great. Good luck. Lots of crazies on Craigslist.

My head: Yea. Guess I'll handle them.  Just let me find my ego first - I think I dropped it down my throat.

So I moved on.

When I left work (to go back to one more catering gig that day) I felt a millon bricks lifted off of my back. But it wasnt the realization that I just got rid of some "day-job" that was inhibiting my creativity. Quite the contrary - it was a pleasant environment with talented and interesting and good looking people who respected and venerated each other. I grew extremely close with the owner of the company and was able to be there for him over a somewhat challenging year and a half - and learned a copious amount about landscape architecture and design. It was great.

The ton of bricks lifted off of me was one that was actually placed there by me over 15 years of working and removed in a simple sentence, two letters, one word - "OK".

See, I am the only one who creates the need for me to be places that are not directly related to my success. It was this realization on the 20 second walk through a gorgeous tree lined courtyard back to my car - one I've been made aware of a million times before but that I actually internalized and owned in that very moment - I am the center of all of my problems. Not my job or my house or my car or my friends or my family or the way I was brought up or the way I haven't grown up or the agent or the manager or the (countless) jobs I've been turned down for - me. I feel like I just figured out nuclear physics.

And the past 36 hours have been incredibly productive and enlightening.

I contacted a friend who is extremely successful in an area I need some help in - he's agreed to take a look at what I'm doing and help get my film moving in the right direction.

I've sent my latest script out to a prospective producer and put it online for all Entertainment Execs in LA to see.

The 24-hour play is gaining ground and I am doing something every day.

I did the legwork for the Tokyo Short Film Festival to get MLC submitted in time in the correct film format.

I got the paperwork together to call the IRS about last years tax debacle. I put it away quickly but soon enough - that will be dealt with

I even made (with the help of Joans on 3rd), an amazing dinner in a house that I cleaned for my boyfriend last night.

The results for all above are more than prodigious.

I think in this move towards doing what I love and making a living doing it - I'm learning the difference between selflessness and selfishness - and learning there is a great deal of beauty in that gap.

So, in taking another step in the WRITE DIRECTION, I return tonight to the blogoshpere.  Looking forward to tomorrow...